Tools Explained

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DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "OW"

CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable cuts, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
Versatile, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
out of which you want to remove a bearing race. Alternate use.. making
high explosive sound out of balloons, trash bags, and Styrofoam cups.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple and bend the surrounding metal on an expensive project.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hosestoo short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts - adjacent to
the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for removing blood from your fingers.

SON OF A #*$!% TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling,
"Son of a #*$!%" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.

METRIC TOOLS:
Are designed to double the number of sockets and wrenches in your tool box.

SAE TOOLS:
Are designed to round off bolt heads on metric fasteners.

CHAIN SAW:
A powerfulinspiring saw that is designed to " kick back "
leaving a racing stripe on your forehead.

VOLTMETER:
A device that is used measure the amount of current, before you receive voltage through your body.

JUMPER CABLES:
Thick heavy cables with clamps to remove the smoke from an alternator.

AIR IMPACT WRENCH:
A tool used to permanently install lug nuts on a vehicle.
Sometimes used to seat oil drain plugs.